Fighting the Good Fight: The War Within

You may not realize to observe me, but I am an activist. I see what goes on around me and in the greater world and I want to change it. However, my activism does not include fist waving, protest signs, or shouting. I may occasionally write to a political figure to express what I feel needs changing, but that activity is rare. In all my 63+ years of watching others get out there and “fight” I have seen little change and the wrongs grow and expand. More insane laws than ever are in place and the issues that threaten our freedoms threaten to an even greater degree.

As I have processed all of this I asked a question, “How can I best change the wrongs I see?” The answer came, “Change yourself!” The change I fight for and invest in — to become awake and conscious of myself and my behaviors — has happened over the last 25 years. It sometimes felt like a battle as I reached for how to be a better me. I awakened to the ways I oppressed or cheated, where dishonesty and secrecy hurt people I cared about, where my actions and words and holding back of the real me caused pain and suffering for both myself and others. I saw all the small ways I mirrored the people in power who I railed against.

I forgave my transgressions and started being kinder, gentler, more loving, compassionate, and generous with myself which led me to become kinder, gentler, more loving, compassionate, and generous with others. Most who did not know me before I started working on myself would not recognize the fearful, shy, anxious, downtrodden, melancholy person who once took up space in this body. When anyone sees what I accomplish in life now and says, “Oh, I could never do that!” I say, “If I can do it, anyone can!” And that’s the truth because in my old life I NEVER would have believed that who I am now was possible. The constant war within has slowed to occasional minor skirmishes, and I am better equipped to solve problems of my own or those that crop up with others. Instead of allowing my anger to take over, I search for the source of the anger and give others a chance by seeing myself in their shoes, asking questions, and listening more.

Because I see racism and oppression as wrong, I work toward not perpetuating those wrongs. I work toward greater honesty and integrity and the truth of who I am. I do my very best to treat humans, the earth, and creatures humanely. I do everything in my power to reduce my footprint and keep my environment clean and free of chemicals. In fact, in my twenties it became clear that using chemical cleaners, pesticides, and even many personal products affected my body in obvious harmful ways so, I make a lot of my own personal care products and use natural cleaners like vinegar, baking soda, and essential oils.

Bottom line, I have experienced positive change in my personal life that far exceeds the changes I see in the world. Allow me to emphasize that I did not do this on my own. I tried self-help books and weekend workshops, mantras and affirmations and they did not stick. The full awakening did not come until I worked with a compassionate therapist who witnessed my old story and worked with me at the cellular level to rewrite the story. I cannot say enough good about Rubenfeld Synergy and my synergist Marge who stuck with me the many times I ran out of her office and told myself I was quitting. Something inside of me knew change was imminent, in fact already occurring, if I stuck with it and endured the storms.

There is always more work to do. And if I have gained any wisdom at all, I know the most beneficial activism that I or anyone else can take part in is to look within. Figure out where you project your own human frailties onto others, and work to change YOU. Your view of the world and the world itself will be better for it, I swear!

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