Toxic People — Who They are and What to do With Them
Familiar memes travel around social media, variations of “How to be happy: remove all toxic people from your life,” and “Life becomes easier when you delete the negative people from it,” or “It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It’s like the trash took itself out.”
Ouch. Harsh.
Before you go any further, I invite you to take a piece of paper and write down your definition of a “toxic person.” When you feel complete, scroll down past the picture and read on.
Does your definition include someone who you perceive as negative? Angry? Depressed? Ungrateful? Sarcastic? Unmotivated? Judgmental? Do you feel “down” when you are around these people?
Next, how well do you know this person? Have you given them a chance to share their history with you, the things that bring them joy, the sorrows they have experienced, their childhood wounds? Have you placed judgment on whether or not their life experience warrants the feelings they express to you? Once you know all about them, have you taken a mental walk through those life experiences to see how you would feel if it was your life?
Now, take another piece of paper and get ready to be honest with yourself. Where does negativity sit in your own life? What makes you angry and how recent was your last encounter with your own angry feelings? When did you last feel depressed or sad? Did a close friend run away from you or tell you how wrong you are for feeling that way or did they listen and stay by your side — how did that feel? Where, in your life, have you been ungrateful, sarcastic, or unmotivated and what caused it? As for judgement, if you have decided that your “toxic” friend has no right to his or her feelings, we have determined that you too, are judgmental.
These are the hard questions you must ask yourself before you delete someone from your life like yesterday’s spam email.
Long ago and far away we relied on each other for everything. We did not have the luxury of saying “not you, not today, or not ever” when someone in the tribe suffered illness or grief. We knew that the well-being of one was the well-being of the whole, a problem for one was a problem for all, so we grieved and shouldered sadness together. We tended the ill as though tending our own child. Every adult parented every child, whether born of their loins or someone else’s. We farmed, gathered, hunted, sewed, cooked, celebrated, and drew our very life from each other and with each other. We were one.
Unfortunately, I have observed that the same people who promote removing toxic people from your life will also preach, “We are all one!” How can that be? If we are all one, that means that the toxic person you just booted from your life is part of you. Here is where the truth comes out: You, yes you, have at one time or another, possibly yesterday, fit your own definition of toxic.
When you see a so-called negative trait in others and it brings you down, you most likely deny that trait in yourself. What really brings you down is your own unresolved wounds. Seeing negative traits in others while denying that you have them is called projection. We ALL have both negative and positive traits. You can also see amazing, wonderful things in others while denying the same traits in yourself. Whatever you deny in yourself is your shadow side. The technical term is called dissociation where you literally split yourself into good and bad parts at the same time as you divide and separate yourself from certain people in your life, while (temporarily) accepting those you deem as “positive.” You push away the truth of yourself as a multifaceted human being filled with many emotions and moods, and the pushed away parts hide inside of you where they cause a distorted view of other people and situations you encounter. The kicker comes when the “positive” people you have allowed in your life, suddenly experience misfortune. If their mood plummets, though their state of being may be temporary, you look for the door and run. The thing is, because all humans have ups and downs you will be running forever, away from anything that reminds you of your own unhealed emotional wounding.
“Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found.” ~ Lao Tzu
When you tell the world that you are removing all toxic people from your life, holding space only for positive people, you send a message to the world that says, “Careful. Don’t let your guard down around me. Be afraid. Don’t let me know who you really are and what you are going through. Don’t get too close.” If you only allow upbeat people in your life you will be disappointed when they too go through a hard time and any remaining friendships will be entirely superficial. As you harden yourself against certain others, you simultaneously build a wall between you and your shadow and any real chance of healing.
When you reject your positive traits — your innate creativity, intelligence, humor, beauty, loveliness, and lovability your shadow is hard at work to stop you in your tracks. Your choice is to face and heal the wounds that cause you to reject yourself, or self-destruct and self-sabotage any dreams you may have for yourself. A qualified therapist is your best bet to help you recognize where your shadow wounds are. Trust your gut: there are therapists and counselors who have not completed their own shadow work. If you find your therapist/counselor agrees with you too often and does not challenge your erroneous beliefs and opinions by suggesting other possibilities, perhaps you have not found the right person. My recommendation is always Rubenfeld Synergy Method, a body-centered psychotherapy that teaches you to listen to your body’s cues to find the truth of who you are. RSM employs compassionate witness and re-scripting to aid in healing wounds that are seated deep in the nervous system. With 14 years of personal experience training in the work and working on myself with a synergist, I cannot say enough about the effectiveness and benefits of RSM! For more information, visit and explore this website: https://www.rubenfeldsynergy.com/
“When our subjective experience is empathically held, contained, and allowed, we come to a natural place of rest.” ~ Andrea Roth
For Andrea’s blog visit: Counsellinghttps://manyvoices.soundstrue.com/the-mystery-of-holding/
When you hold too broad a definition of toxic people and delete people from your life, you create the exact opposite of what most of us say we want; a peaceful and loving world, a kind and compassionate society, forgiveness, and understanding. You deny yourself the wisdom that is possible and waiting for you to discover. I suggest that there are fewer truly toxic people than what you may think. Rather, there are those who push your buttons, irritate you, or refuse to do what you want them to. Open your heart and mind to see how these people are your teachers, there to shed light on where you can grow. Let go of expecting perfection from yourself and from others. Learn how to listen with empathy and not react or take things personally. Learn that when your wounds are healed you will be able to be a compassionate witness to friends who go through life’s inevitable difficulties AND you will build a strength of character and courage that helps you weather your own trials.
Yes, there are those who may refuse to refrain from abusive barbs that claim you are to blame for their problems. As you gain strength you will be able to see the wounded child that causes such emotional outbursts and not take it personally. Of course, if your interactions turn violent, seek help and get out. I am certain (from experience) that with patience, compassion, acceptance, and a big heap of courage, what we too often call toxicity can be healed by the light of higher LOVE. Conscious LOVE can and does heal the rifts of separation our world now experiences, one human relationship at a time.
When you have suffered the losses of the people you currently call toxic, when you have been through their ills and other trials and have come away with unflinching cheerfulness, you will have earned the right to teach others the secrets of overcoming the human condition. Meanwhile accept the fact that you are human and being human includes many emotions and behaviors, most of which can be healed with the conscious touch of LOVE.
***Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this article, I invite you to test how many times can you hit the clapping hands to your immediate left in 5, 10, or 60 seconds. It’s one more way to keep your fingers in shape AND will help other people see the story. Writing is my passion, so thanks for your help in spreading my work to others!
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